Rules
by freddyburn
Summary: As a cadet on a three month tour aboard the USS Enterprise, please read these unspoken rules of the ship. (Please read Authors Note).
1. Chapter 1

**Unspoken Rules of the U.S.S Enterprise**

As every attentive cadet knows, Starfleet has rules covering the running and etiquette aboard ship. However, every Starship has its own unspoken rules- a set of guidelines that every member of the crew acknowledges and that work for that particular set of people. As a senior cadet, chosen for a three month tour aboard our flagship, the First Officer of the Enterprise wishes to present you with this list of unspoken rules and things that are not spoken about in general. Please pay close attention.

One: Our Chief Engineer is not brewing moonshine aboard ship. (You will avoid talking about the particular smell aboard ship that seems to be coming from engineering).

Two: Ensign Chekov is an Officer, and thus, is your superior. He is not "a cute, curly haired human tribble," nor is he "a puppy dog eyed piece of jailbait," whatever his physical appearance may suggest. Be advised, he is now legal, and Starfleet does have regulations covering harassment, if the command crew doesn't get to you first.

Three: Even if he makes it an order, it is not a good idea to help the Captain avoid any check up issued by Dr. McCoy. Dr. McCoy has been described as a "ninja with a hypo." Aid the Captain at your own risk.

Four: Captain Kirk, Ensign Chekov and Commander Scott are NOT to be given sugar at any cost. If the Enterprise has to spend another three weeks in space dock being repaired because of a slip up like this, you will find yourself filling the post Mr. Scott left vacant on Delta Vega. (Addition: Your neck will be sore from all the hypos you will receive.)

Five: You will not ask Mr. Sulu to show you his sword in a suggestive voice, particularly in front of Mr. Chekov. (See next rule).

Six: Mr. Chekov has received "the talk." There is no need for anyone else to give it to him. (You can give it to him if you wish, but please be advised, Lt. Uhuru will not take kindly to anyone making him uncomfortable or to anyone trying to drop hints at the young Ensign.)

Seven: No matter how drunk you think Scotty is, he can get drunker. You will not challenge him to a drinking competition, because he will drink you under the table. He has plenty of experience and a good supply (see rules one and eight and if further clarification of this rule is needed, please speak to Dr. McCoy and Captain Kirk).

Eight: Dr. McCoy, while a doctor, is not the first and last resort for a hangover cure (unless he was involved in the night's proceedings).

Nine: You will not beam animals onto the ship. If you find a chicken and two ferrets somewhere on board, alert a member of the security team.

Ten: You will not question the relationship between the Commander Spock and Lieutenant Uhuru. Both can be scary when angered.

Eleven: Mr. Scott is not an expert in the area of zombies. If anyone is aware of where this notion came from, please inform a member of the crew.

Twelve: Listed below are names and things you cannot say to those people-

Scotty- zombies and pub.

Chekov- Terminators

Sulu- MILF

Nyoto- blue, tall, tail.

Thirteen: Do not believe the Captain when he tells you he knows yoga.

Fourteen: If you see Mr. Chekov running through the halls shouting "I can do that", get out of his way- someone's life depends on it.

Fifteen: The same goes for Dr. McCoy running through the hall.

Sixteen: You will not talk about Lieutenant Uhuru's "talented tongue." Especially in the presence of the first officer.


	2. Chapter 2

**Unspoken Rules of the U.S.S Enterprise**

Now that you have finished the first set of rules, please familiarise yourself with the following.

One: Despite what you may come to believe, neither the Captain nor Mr. Scott are insane. We have had them evaluated by a team of Starfleet Doctors. (Dr. McCoy is not insane either. He is just very emotional and protective of his patients).

Two: Kensar is a sentient being, and an officer. He is not Mr. Scott's "little spiked cuddle thing."

Three: For future reference, Mr. Chekov and Mr. Sulu are straight and are not in a relationship together. Neither are the Captain and First Officer. Disregard anything you hear to the contrary.

Four: You will not get Scotty to make the replicators produce nothing but your favourite foods by bribing him with twelve year old scotch.

Five: If you know who "Sylar" is, please inform the First Officer. ==Medical Warning, as issued by the Chief Medical Officer== After talking to the Communications Officer, I, Dr. Leonard McCoy, Chief Medical Officer, advise you not to tell Spock who Sylar is. This is a medical warning, as the command crew find it funny watching Spock trying to figure this out, and will hurt you if you blab. ==End Warning==

Six: ==The following is a medical alert notice== Please do not call Lt. Uhura a "mother hen," even if she is being one.

Seven: No, we have not found Admiral Archers Beagle. Do not ask Scotty about him, unless you want an angry Scots man charging you with claymore drawn and kilt flying (and yes, this will happen).

Eight: Despite the angry exchanges, the command crew are loyal to each other. Never doubt that.

Nine: Wait to be invited to the poker game.

Ten: (Related to the above) Despite what you may hear, there is no strip poker allowed aboard an Active Duty Starships. ==Captains Note== The last two rules do not apply to when we are in Space Dock. Wait for Spock to leave. ==End note==

Eleven: In relation to one of our security team—NEVER call him Cupcake.


	3. AUTHORS NOTE

RULES Authors note:

OK people, I have read the reviews. Many people seem to believe that I have taken some of the rules from another story written by Dannrose called "Unofficial Rules of The Enterprise." Until today (09th-January-2014) I have not read the story. Any similarities are purely coincidental.


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